The Fool

The next season is almost here. I’m still tired, recovering from Winters icy winds. I am moving through a phase which I was unprepared for. Under usual circumstances, I’m sure, deliberate, and calculated in most decisions I make. Yet here I am today gradually releasing that grip of control. Control was always an illusion anyway, but I never deemed it honorable to haphazardly make decisions without the proper information needed to confirm my stance/actions (for the fear of getting hurt or hurting others). This is a battle I’ve contemplated over for years, an acknowledgement of anxiety that runs rampant to apparently “keep myself safe”. My reaction to adults lacking accountability growing up and people I’ve trusted betraying me created a hyperaware nervous inner psyche that I also sometimes expect others to uphold. Now, I am tasked with recognizing trauma responses, allowing myself to make mistakes, and trusting myself even if I don’t have it all figured out yet. Sometimes there is no right answer, sometimes you just have to move solely off what you feel. I’m learning to let that part of my self be in the driver’s seat. I also realize that the capacity for others to allow me to make mistakes is important as well. There are a lot of departments (emotional, social, physical, mental) that are affected by these life-long mannerisms. In the decades ahead, I look forward to losing them.