my dad died

Its hard to mourn someone who was supposed to be integral in your life but who, instead, chose to isolate and banish everyone around them.

Why don’t I just be emotionally detached again?

Why do I have to expend my emotional energy for anyone?

Why do we care?

I always brushed it off & kept it pushing.

Never really allowing the reality to set in for too long because there wasn’t anything I could do to change it.

I mourned before I even knew, funny how life works.

Where are you now? Nowhere?

Time hasn’t stopped.

We all continue on and celebrate Fall with spooky movies.

Your story ended alone.

What was the point?

It’s the oddest thing. I get emotional when people give me condolences. Not when my mom told me the news, I don’t contemplate about him and feel sadness about his death. Unbeknownst to me, I mourned my lack of fatherly closeness privately, in the days before he passed, he was probably already decaying as I dropped a few tears after getting out of the shower. I feel sad that other people think I’m sad. Because if he was a stand-up guy, I would be mourning him deeply. But because that connection has been severed years ago, his death just doesn’t affect me the way it “should”.  It’s almost as if he robbed me of that too. And I don’t say that from an angry place but an aware one. I’m sure I will experience an extremely wide array of emotions over time. Even though I don’t feel sad for him, I will probably always hold the wound of sadness for myself, my childhood, my womanhood, and my emotional trauma. That’s a wound that has been exposed time and time again through experience, therapy, and self-reflection. And as myself, I don’t imagine I will cease the initiative to heal and grow from those wounds. He was the example set for me to explore my own shortcomings, and for that I can thank him.

Everyone feels so sad for me, and I can only identify with them from that outside perspective. The inside is not really concerned for him. Which is sad for a variety of reasons lol. It can also create this “heartless” persona from onlookers. I still had a familial love for him (as in thank you for creating me). But there’s not much else there. Anyway, I thought I’d publicly vent about this cause I can.